So I’m a 24 year old mother who lives with mental health, and here to show you a insight of my daily battle.
And how it affects me day to day, or week to week. But also how it has a huge impact to me and my life and my motherhood.
However I quote it does not define me as amazing being!
Right were so I start?
I would say I’ve suffered with this battle since I was about 14 tens years back, but at that time was not diagnosed. Back then though I was not overly aware. Simply because I was young,hormonal and was battling a lot of problems emotionally and physically due to my childhood, household and bullying in school.
Now I’m basically going to go through with you my journey.
- When it started
- How is discovered what it was and what I was diagnosed with
- And how having a mental illness is a secret blessing in disguise due to being a genius and creative being. #Creativity #weird is ok #Ride the wave
Right so I was only diagnosed 3 and half years ago and this is how….
I basically hit a rock bottom of depression mixed with psychosis!
So one night with my daughter and my ex (child’s father) was on way home and I was having a very bad time controlling my emotions due to having my daughter who is now 5 was just near 2 at the time. As you can imagine hormones was terrible even up to her being that age because I was 17 carrying her 18 when I had her was a lot to go through physically and mentally.
Anyway so that night making ways home these negative thoughts was so intense sounded like a different voice or person in my mind over taking me.
For example “your worthless Chloe…your ugly what’s the point of being here just take your life go on” and the list went on very uncomfortable experience, as you can imagine.
After screaming crying sitting on the floor yes on the floor like some tramp!Lol
I ran in the road trying to kill myself whilst the cars was coming.
My daughter was in her buggy on the pavement and my baby farther is trying to drag me and pick me up as I was resistant crying saying “let me go”…
After that it was almost like I blacked out I remember being restrained by her dad and two other random males.
Then ambulance came I was taken to mayday my local hospital.
I just sat starred at the walls for hours and kept crying then spoke to a psychiatrist and he said we can put u in a hospital just waiting on a bed and we will move me from there.
So at this point I thought I was going to get sectioned and this was the first time social services was ever involved with me as a parent because of this traumatic episode I had. Anyway I was told I could go to a ‘voluntary ‘women’s unit in purely. I was not sectioned however they said we highly recommend you go cause your not well at the moment and think about your daughter.
And from that point I was still low in distress but I knew I didn’t want to feel like that anymore an my princess is my world so let me just go and see if I can get help.
Fast forward got there ended up staying in there just under 3 weeks. Still had high and low episodes was running around the garden running out the house on foot adrenalin to wedding from purely baring in mind! Was crazy then crying feeling low anxious and paranoid self harming a lot of emotions positives and negative I took from that experience. Anyway before I left I was diagnosed with a personality disorder originally BPD which stands for borderline personality disorder.
This is a serious condition that effects your moods, your way of thinking, triggers, past childhood or psychological experiences,relationships,friendships and much more.
However I’m currently getting re assessed for bipolar disorder simply because I 90% don’t have triggers like most cases in BPD and my episodes of make and low is a lot longer and intense.
But on a brighter note I am a very self aware, and reflective individual who likes to seek knowledge on my health and natural ways to cope with my illness..
Battling your mind overall and having extreme moods can really effect your whole life.
And let me tell why…this is because your every unpredictable and don’t know weather your coming or going.
Some days your this big extrovert full of life positivity and creating loads being the party animal. And then all of a sudden or slowly depending how your bipolar or BPD works you become a very anxious paranoid bundle of distress contact crying drained energy…miserable negative negative thoughts and self harm becomes to creep in agen with suicidal thoughts and attempts.
This is very damaging, draining to you yourself and others around you. Especially when you feel yiur on top of the world you found a job feeling happy creativity is flowing then boom.
It’s sad because as a mum you want to be always on that manic high and don’t like your child to see you agitated anxious or having a MENTAL BREAKDOWN!
I do believe though that doesn’t mean us survivors cant be strong, ride the wave get better an overcome it.
I personally see it like a goal you set or a job if you really want it your strive towards just like being mentally ill. You don’t want to feel that way 24/7 and who does. So it takes time, patience balance and personally self growth and knowledge to deal with it.
Yes it may never leave but it’s possible to keep it at a moderate control.
Overall my life childhood, abuse pain and trauma can play a big part to my sanity or anyone’s.
But I hope this has help, inspired and educated some and here are some tips that help me to stay well minus I don’t take medication and I do smoke #self medicate lol.
Here some small tips to help
- Please always speak out to a family member or friend that isn’t ignorant wont judge you or brittle your feelings.
- Everyday write a mod diary or tick list of tiny goals to get well mentally physically and emotionally and spiritually !
- Good sleep and eating patterns
- Take regular meds if you feel it helps
- Go to regular appointments try and get a CPN adult social worker or doctor so you can speak to me them in crisis or build a mental health care plan.
- Please don’t rely on others learn to do it for yourself but know only deep down yourself you can depend on.
- Routine and hobbies
- Be only around over standing positive kind people.
- Knowing the difference your illness doesn’t define you its a part of you.
- Support network (speak out close friends, family)
- Ignore stigma
- Lastly just know your not alone and thousands of people battle there round and moods and stull6have found happiness and contentment.
Thanks for reading my story and hope this helps…… Anonymous